• A copy of Sarah Palin’s confidential speaking contract was found in a recycling bin at a California university. The school was supposed to shred the document, but quit after getting halfway through.
• A giant sinkhole opened up in a Guatemala City intersection. Officials are blaming a resident who dared the intersection to do an impression of Rand Paul’s campaign.
• Oakland, California, is about to start taxing indoor marijuana growers. The growers’ representative responded to the plan, “What’s ‘indoors’ really mean, man? Aren’t buildings outside?”
• Two Christian aid groups in Afghanistan were suspended for proselytizing. Which is too bad, because that country could really use some more religion.
• The Supreme Court ruled this week that police suspects must announce their intention to remain silent. A suspect’s right to remain ironic was unaffected.
• As many as 10,000 military GPS units malfunctioned last week. Soldiers realized something was wrong when their Humvees just kept repeating the word “recalculating.”
• Illegal immigrants held for deportation are being counted in the census, it was revealed yesterday. As census numbers determine the amount of federal money a state receives, Rhode Island’s “No Border Patrol Here!” tourism campaign suddenly make a lot more sense.
• Nebraska’s chief CSI examiner was sentenced to four years in prison for tampering with evidence. As he was led away, he told reporters, “The hunter… [removes sunglasses]… became the hunted,” and began singing a Who song.
Posted by smithkov 
